Women say private Facebook groups where they can share details about abusive and toxic men they have dated help protect themselves and others, but lawyers caution the posts might expose them to legal risk.
Local Facebook groups called “Are we dating the same guy?” are popping up in communities across North America for women to post about men, and vice versa.
Some, including in Toronto and Mississauga, have tens of thousands of members. A group in the Ottawa area has more than 15,000 members.
Earlier this year Alicia Mercer, 37, started a group in the small Ottawa Valley town of Petawawa, which is also home to a Canadian military base.
Mercer said she was in a previous relationship that was abusive and full of “cheating and lies,” and believes the page can help others avoid similar heartbreak.
“If somebody could have warned me about that, or had given me any kind of insight into what I was to expect, my life would be completely different,” she said.
Many of the groups in North America appear to have the same administrator.
A Patreon account that claims to belong to the same person says they operate “red flag awareness groups” that provide a venue for women to “empower each other and keep each other safe from dangerous and/or toxic men.”
The posts typically include a man’s photo, taken from an online dating profile. Some posts include the name, while others also include their age and the area they live in.
The posts are also often short, featuring messages like “Please run from this man” or “Very dangerous man” followed by multiple red flag emojis. Other times women post a photo asking others if they’ve ever dated the man asking for the “tea” or gossip about them.
Comments and posts include stories about stalking, alcohol and drug abuse, sexual assault and harassment, lying and infidelity.
“Seems to have an issue with drinking as well. My friends told me about him having to be carried out of the unit Christmas party,” said a user of an Ontario group.
“Ladies beware of this one. Not only extremely narcissistic, but has terrible anger issues and is mentally and physically abusive,” said an anonymous post.
“This is my ex. Please run if you ever encounter. He lies about absolutely everything. Severe alcoholic and cocaine addict,” said another user.
CBC spoke with a member from an Ottawa-area group who we are calling Marie.
Marie, in her mid 20s, recently shared a photo of her ex to the private Facebook group and alleged he shared nude photos of her without her consent or knowledge. CBC has agreed not to use her real name for safety reasons.
It’s a way to protect ourselves. We need to have access to information.– “Marie,” user of Ottawa-area group
“Women there [in the group] knew that it was not OK, what I’ve been through,” she said.
Marie’s post about her ex prompted a flood of sympathy from other women.
“That really helped,” she said. “When you have that community to help you go through this it really helps to not feel alone.”
Marie said the group helps create a support network but also arms single women with insider knowledge on the men they meet online.
“It’s a way to protect ourselves. We need to have access to information,” she said.
Potential for defamation lawsuits
Two lawyers told CBC many of the types of posts that appear on the “Are we dating the same guy?” pages could open up posters and even group administrators, to potential legal action.
“There is something problematic with posting stuff that would tend to harm somebody’s reputation,” said David Fraser, a privacy and technology lawyer in Halifax.
“There is a real risk that they could be doing something that is defamatory.”
Charles Daoust, an Ottawa lawyer who specializes in defamation cases, said he receives calls daily from complainants looking for legal advice about defamatory statements made about them online.
“The internet is very good in the sense of connecting people, but very dangerous in the sense of repercussions on people’s lives,” he said.
“I’ve had clients [who] overnight had their lives completely destroyed.”
WATCH | The defamation risks involved:
Charles Daoust, an Ottawa lawyer who specializes in defamation cases, said exaggerating or not being completely truthful can be dangerous when posting about others online.
Defamation lawsuits are expensive to bring forward, but Fraser said if a person’s career hinges on a solid reputation — like doctors, lawyers and politicians — they could seek hundreds of thousands in damages for allegations such as drug abuse, for example.
Cases can take years and can be very costly for the defendant, both financially and mentally, the lawyers said.
Don’t use social media to vent, enact revenge: lawyer
The truth is the strongest defence for a defamation case. Still, the justice system puts the onus on the defendant to prove what they said was true.
“Just a bald statement that the person is an alcoholic or is drug-addicted, or something else like that, or that they’re dangerous — and what in fact does that mean — it’s hard to defend against it,” Fraser said.
Open-ended statements or just a red flag emoji is … inherently problematic.– David Fraser, internet and privacy lawyer
The lawyers encouraged posters to stick to facts they know to be true and keep the language moderate.
“Open-ended statements or just a red flag emoji is … inherently problematic because it doesn’t contain any of the elements that would allow you to defend it,” Fraser said.
Daoust cautioned against using Facebook to vent or enact revenge against an ex.
“Sometimes people will go online and lash out without really thinking about what they’re saying,” said Daoust.
“They’ll overexaggerate and sometimes they’ll leave out important information. That’s where it gets really dangerous for someone to go online and make those allegations.”
Even anonymous posts are dangerous, according to Daoust and Fraser, who said those identities can usually be revealed through a fairly simple court application to Facebook.
What if it saves a life?
Mercer has received complaints from men who have been tipped off to negative posts in the Petawawa area. She said she has removed posts she felt crossed a line.
Still, she believes in the purpose of the page and remains unafraid of any legal action for comments she moderates.
“If something like that happens I would cross that bridge when I got to it,” she said, adding she thinks the benefit outweighs the risk.
“Maybe it negatively affects some people, but what if it saves one person’s life?”
Marie said she plans to use the private Facebook group when she starts dating again. The goal of the page, she said, is “not to hurt men, it’s really to help women heal.”
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